


not the only one who fell

by 126916912



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Complicated Relationships, M/M, Roommates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:26:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27915979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/126916912/pseuds/126916912
Summary: Jaehyun goes to France for 18 months as his career begins to pick up. Despite their agency carefully ensuring they are kept apart, it is the first time since meeting that Jaehyun will be away from Sangyeon for so long.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28
Collections: Die Jungz Fest (R1)





	not the only one who fell

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [we should hold hands so we don’t drown in the ocean](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20929088) by [blacksuns (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/blacksuns). 



> This fic was written for the random mode.  
> In Your Eyes remix - The Weeknd & Doja Cat
> 
> this fic absolutely will not make sense without you having first read the art which is the models au TT

The apartment is dark when Jaehyun returns home. The wheels on his suitcase stick on scattered shoes at the front door and he almost trips over. Typical Sangyeon. 

It is just a shame that Sangyeon himself isn't home to hear Jaehyun's complaints. 

Jaehyun kicks his suitcase away as he switches on the light. Jaehyun knows he is lucky, living in a rooftop apartment in Gangnam, not even worrying about paying the rent because the company takes its slice from his pay and sorts everything out for him. He has a great view of the city, especially impressive at night, a 4K TV, a huge sofa in the spacious living room, and a collection of herbs and succulents sitting patiently awaiting his return. 

Jaehyun fills a cup, ready to water his babies (the ones who live on the balcony of the apartment and can't talk back to him or demand he buys them things) but he finds he doesn't need to. The soil is already damp and the trays beneath the plant pots are filled with soil-speckled reservoirs. Sangyeon has been over-watering the plants. 

Jaehyun doesn't expect his message pointing this out to get a response. Sangyeon hates when Jaehyun points out his mistakes. There is no returned message but Jaehyun hates the fact that he sees the insistent '1' disappear before he closes out of the app. Sangyeon reads the message and doesn't say anything to Jaehyun. Just like always.

Perhaps Sangyeon won't even care when Jaehyun is gone. 

* * *

The Boyz don't take too long to stir public interest. Jaehyun is happy for them even though he needs to mute the twinges of jealousy in his chest before sending congratulatory messages to the members when he sees news of them trending. 

That could have been Jaehyun. It isn't, but it could have been. 

Instead of rehearsing steps over and over until he can perform routines in his sleep with eleven others he was moulded into closeness with, he is working on how to walk, practicing his angles, and staving off the loneliness that comes with only having to worry about himself. 

Sometimes it seems like interviewers can see right through him, stare through the skin they shallowly compliment, and they ask him questions about the transition from idol trainee to model. They ask about the things he misses and what he expects from his career and they ask him about Sangyeon. 

The prepared responses tend to work but a few tenacious interviewers have their talons ready to pick at the raw sensitivity of Jaehyun’s failures. They pretend it is just a bit of fun, asking about dating bans for idols and trying to get him to open up about the current state of his love life seeing as he isn't bound by those same rules. 

"I am too busy for that." 

Jaehyun's throat aches, raw abrasion, but his discomfort is no deterrent. The interviewer presses on, insisting that there must be someone special for a man as handsome and desirable as Jaehyun. 

For a moment, one grit-sharp moment, Jaehyun wonders just how this prying interviewer would react to the truth. There is someone special for Jaehyun. Nobody else could ever come close. Right now, Jaehyun could reveal the secret and singlehandedly plunge both Sangyeon’s career and his own into tatters. Of course doing something like that would mean losing Sangyeon for ever. 

Sangyeon isn't a forgiving man. Jaehyun has lived with the pettiness and grudges for long enough. So he keeps his mouth closed. Grits his teeth and plays coy until the dissatisfied interviewer moves on. 

The situation that Jaehyun and Sangyeon have ended up in is not quite what either of them intended when auditioning for an entertainment company. Jaehyun can appreciate that frustrations would undoubtedly build, but it isn't really fair that Sangyeon doesn't have quite the same restraint. 

Jaehyun reads the interview over and over on his way home from a makeup test for a shoot. Sangyeon gives the expected bland responses to questions about the drama he is starring in. Even through the screen Jaehyun can tell how irritated Sangyeon was by one question in particular, though seeing Sangyeon’s disdain for him printed in black and white is extreme. He could have answered more diplomatically than he did. Instead he said what he had been thinking all along and it is only going to raise more issues at least for Jaehyun in future. 

When Jaehyun arrives home, Sangyeon is there. He said he wouldn't be, sent a text about a wrap-dinner he would be attending so Jaehyun would need to feed himself. But Sangyeon is there, lying on the sofa whilst Jaehyun brings in all the groceries he had decided he couldn't be bothered to make into a meal along with the takeout he decided would be easier. 

Sangyeon is brazen, following Jaehyun into the kitchen. Jaehyun wouldn't be showing his face around the person he hates. 

However, hate might not be what this is. For all the vitriol in the words published from the interview, Sangyeon falls into bed with Jaehyun. This is the way things are meant to go, Jaehyun thinks, and he can't think of a better time to share his news. There is no better time but having to say the words scares Jaehyun more than he expected. 

Leaving for France is something good. The trip is work and work is the reason he is allowed a life like this, living with Sangyeon, in the first place. It is a good thing. He is earning his right to exist in this space. But it is different. Unlike their time together until now, exiled from careers they had trained so hard for with The Boyz, they have only been kept apart by clever scheduling on the company's part. Going to France for a year and a half is not the same. This is like moving out, this is like leaving, sinking Sangyeon’s hopes and dreams and leaving him adrift alone. 

Sangyeon should be angry. He doesn't get the same opportunities as Jaehyun and it is beginning to look as though he doesn't want them, doesn't want to make the best of the situation they are in, would rather flounder until failure and loathing is filling his lungs and choking him out of living expensively. Whether Sangyeon wants this or not he tends to be eager to fight about it. He cares, if it makes him angry. He's not happy but he won't let go. Jaehyun won't let go either, and he holds Sangyeon as tightly against his chest as he can whilst waiting for it all to break down into their usual routine. 

Except it doesn't. 

Sangyeon presses his face into the crook of Jaehyun’s neck, the warmth a soothing comfort where Jaehyun's apprehension is knotting into tension. In the space where Sangyeon is yet to react, Jaehyun holds Sangyeon as though he has the right to feel that this is where he belongs. He presses his lips to Sangyeon’s temple and runs his fingers through Sangyeon’s hair. This type of intimacy doesn't feel like it quite belongs to Jaehyun at the best of times but Sangyeon congratulates him, the closest to a negative word out of his mouth being concerned about whether Jaehyun might get lonely. It is unexpected by any stretch. Though Sangyeon sounds sincere, Jaehyun can't help but laugh. 

“You’re awfully soft today. This is so unlike you. Almost... sweet, I’d say.” 

They might not even fight at all, and the determination in Sangyeon’s eyes swells as his tone remains anchored in calm. 

“I can be soft. We can be sweet.”

This especially feels like it doesn't belong to Jaehyun. Too much time has passed since Sangyeon has genuinely been soft and sweet. Too much time has passed since Sangyeon has pulled Jaehyun close and whispered secrets right into his ear, pressed through kisses, and sighed into him with something which tasted like love. Almost. 

It has been a while since softness and sweetness wasn't chased by sharp bitterness. “Yeah. We can be sweet. But it’s kind of unlike us, isn’t it?”

“Shut up," Sangyeon says, still soft, still enough that this moment can be savoured. "Let’s be sweet for now.”

They are soft and sweet and Jaehyun thinks it is lucky he won't have the time between now and tomorrow night to get used to this. 

* * *

Like most places, France is beautiful. The people are beautiful, the food is alright — it isn't quite like home and it isn't impressive enough that he would be cataloguing restaurants that must be visited here if he owned a tyre company — and out here there is no Lee Jaehyun who scuppered his chances of debuting in the idol group he had trained for just because he was young and horny and a little bit in love. 

France is okay, but for all the other models he mingles with, the photographers, the casting directors, the creative directors, the brand ambassadors, the industry executives, it is all just work. All the models he lives with in Paris, a revolving cast of models who hail from the far reaches of the world are nice enough to ward off the general loneliness though none of them are Sangyeon. 

Being stuck on this moment from his past seems counterintuitive, especially when he has been given this push into one of the fashion capitals of Europe, but Jaehyun can't let go. He doesn't want to. 

"You're going to give yourself wrinkles if you keep pulling faces."

Jaehyun glances up from his phone, not bothering to hide what he was looking at. The makeup artist has been dragging Vivi out where the light is good to take pictures for their own portfolio all morning though Jaehyun hadn't expected he was hiding away in a place with good lighting. In fact the lights in this narrow corridor are flickering. They won't get any good pictures here. 

"Is this face better?" Jaehyun asks whilst contorting his features into something downright awful. Vivi raises her own phone to snap a picture before posing for the makeup artist. 

"The face of Chanel is going to get exposed," she trills as the makeup artist frowns at the pictures taken of their work. 

"Exposed for what, being ugly?" Jaehyun suggests. "Nobody would ever believe you."

"The lighting here isn't good," Vivi says as she twirls a lock of bubblegum pink hair around her index finger. "What do you think about borrowing something from the photographer's assistant?" 

The makeup artist rubs their eyes before agreeing that Vivi's idea is a good one and heading off to find the assistant. Vivi continues smiling sweetly and comes to take a seat beside Jaehyun on the floor. "Exposed for being lovesick." 

"Is that really what you think?" Jaehyun asks. "I'm lovesick?" 

"Of course," Vivi says sagely. "You're very obvious. Don't you think he would be happy to see?" 

Jaehyun sighs. He doubts Sangyeon would care. Sangyeon would more likely question why Jaehyun is waiting on replies to his last string of messages. Ordinarily Jaehyun wouldn't be watching his phone and waiting for a response but he had noticed this morning that he was blocked on Instagram and he wants to know whether Sangyeon will bother talking to him. 

"He won't be happy," Jaehyun says. "I should be focusing on work. The kids haven't responded to me either. Everyone is just busy." 

Vivi pouts, looking almost confused as she tips her head towards him. "Maybe it is the timezone."

"It must be," Jaehyun says though he doesn't really agree. The timezones aren't too much of an issue as far as Jaehyun is concerned. They had phonesex just last week, early morning for Jaehyun and late afternoon for Sangyeon though it wasn't particularly satisfying. Sangyeon probably agrees. It wasn't anything like it is in person and Jaehyun simply started his day feeling more alone than usual. 

Feeling alone is strange. There is no reason for it. Jaehyun is busy, he has a lot of work to do and people to meet, and he shouldn't be dwelling on a man who admitted to hating him. 

"Can I ask whether you broke up? Is that why you get sad like this?" Vivi asks as she adjusts the way her bracelets lie on her wrist.

They didn't break up. They weren't ever together in the first place. They kissed years ago and from there things just kept going. No labels were applied because at the time there was never anything to talk about. It was a secret, the thrill of only the two of them knowing as they sneaked around and tried not to rouse the suspicion of the other trainees and the company staff, and it reached a point where words weren't even needed. 

By the time they were caught they had never really talked about things beyond ways to keep their secret. 

They should perhaps have talked a bit more, found better places to hide away from the staff and production crew who filled all the spaces that the other members of the group had learnt to leave for Sangyeon and Jaehyun. And after that there wasn't anything to talk about. They fought, about whose fault this all was in the first place and learnt to make up because they lived together. They lived together but that was all. They had never been together in the ways that were worth breaking up over. 

"We didn't break up. We're not really even like that," Jaehyun says. "I'm just feeling a bit homesick. Keeping busy with work doesn't occupy my brain enough. It is probably worse on shoots like this where there is a lot of downtime."

"Ah," Vivi says, "So you're not used to being a supporting character."

She says the words with a smile but Jaehyun really has to wonder whether that is the case. He doesn't feel like a main character in his own life, not when so many things have been out of his hands and all he has been able to do is react. 

"I get it though," Vivi offers. Jaehyun thinks she is going to reveal that she knows exactly what he is thinking, how she has navigated her own passivity, but that isn't what follows. She says, "Everyone here talks too fast and they are all rude. I sometimes feel homesick for Korea too."

"Not for Hong Kong?" 

"I have a lot of Korean friends. I feel at home when I go to Seoul too so it feels like such a shame to leave. I get homesick that way."

Jaehyun hums. The makeup artist has returned, struggling with a weighty ringlight, and there is a runner in tow. 

"Is it homesickness if you mostly miss people?" 

Vivi shrugs. She asks, "I don't know, is it?" 

Jaehyun isn't so sure either. 

* * *

In a first-class lounge in Dubai, a layover as Jaehyun is en-route back to Paris, Jaehyun sees Sangyeon. It has been a while and it seems like things might take a while longer for them when Sangyeon finds a table and absorbs himself in his phone. 

Since Jaehyun left to stay in Paris, they have seen each other a few times. In Seoul they tend to ignore each other, especially after the times they hadn't were met with people dredging up Sangyeon’s words from that one interview. But Sangyeon doesn't hate Jaehyun. If he did he wouldn't greet Jaehyun the way he does when he sits at the same table. 

This isn't Seoul. Jaehyun's face might be smouldering resplendently from posters and displays and standees but nobody here knows them. It doesn't matter that people can see them talk. 

"You look good," Jaehyun says, because admitting he missed Sangyeon might just be too honest for right now. 

"You too," Sangyeon says, awkward, hesitant, and Jaehyun wonders what he isn't saying. Whatever is unsaid remains that way as Sangyeon says, "I have a suite if you've got time."

Sangyeon has a suite. It would be a shame to waste it. Being here feels a lot like being home, pressing against Sangyeon with intent to relearn all the parts of him which might have changed in the six months since they have lived apart. Nothing has changed. Jaehyun is proud of the fact he still knows all the ways to draw pleasure out of Sangyeon, knows all the ways to make Sangyeon grip him closer.

The timing is too lucky, to think that they would find each other on neutral ground like this when they are both moving elsewhere, so Jaehyun stays longer than he should. He gets an earful from his manager when he is finally on his way to the boarding gate but that is fine. 

Seeing Sangyeon, being able to melt into his touch and draw him back as though this is just the way things were before, is good. Jaehyun looks at his hands on the plane. They are steady. His hands remain steady all the way back to Paris and it isn't until he is back to the apartment filled with other models that he realises he just left. There was no affection as he and Sangyeon parted. 

The forgotten affection doesn't even matter now. Jaehyun is home again and Sangyeon is elsewhere. And it doesn't matter. They are countless miles apart and who knows when they will see each other next. 

* * *

Being in demand makes some things easier. He gets more appointments for go-sees than he imagines he ordinarily would and even though he barely makes most appointments he gets booked for several brands and he gets optioned for several fashion weeks. He is about to get busier and he is glad for it. 

Sooyoung doesn't look quite so glad. She leans against Jaehyun's shoulder in the taxi back to the apartment and she winces as she eases a foot out of one of her shoes. 

"I'll buy you some blister plasters when we get home," Jaehyun offers. "At least they cast you."

Sooyoung laughs tightly. "I think I twisted my ankle worse than I thought. If it helps, I won't be walking around anywhere to burst any of these blisters."

"Should we go to the hospital?" 

"No," Sooyoung says as she closes her eyes. "I will be fine." 

"What if you're not fine?" Jaehyun asks. 

"Then I'll just have to go home." 

Jaehyun pats Sooyoung's head and strokes her hair out of her face. She hums and leans more heavily into his side. 

"Don't go home," Jaehyun asks. "You have fashion week here, and Milan, and New York. You didn't come here for nothing."

"I came here to shoot our Eden campaign. It doesn't matter if I have to miss out on fashion week. There's always next year." 

"You'll never get booked again," Jaehyun points out. He sighs. "If your ankle swells up, or hurts more later we are going to hospital. No disagreement."

Sooyoung doesn't respond, just continues to lean into Jaehyun's side. 

Jaehyun takes the silence as an agreement and checks his phone to avoid the driver glancing at him in the rearview mirror. He sends a selfie to the kids, making sure to get Sooyoung in frame, before he tries Sangyeon. 

The message Jaehyun sends, just an innocuous question about whether Sangyeon has been booked for any of the same cities as he has, doesn't get sent. It remains in the limbo of Jaehyun’s phone screen, never reaching the unavailable contact it was meant for. 

Jaehyun tries not to care too much. 

* * *

Parties are often more trouble than they are worth, mostly because of the set up and the fact Jaehyun needs to absorb a plethora of instructions to ensure he is representing the brand or the client exactly as they wish. Once all the preparations are out of the way though, Jaehyun can allow himself to have fun. 

He can pose for pictures with important people and flirt his way into industry graces for as long as he needs to before he can slip into the crowds and just have fun. 

Even when with Sooyoung, things are familiarly easy. Looking around the dancefloor the easy targets make themselves obvious. Some dance alone, wild and determined to be noticed, though Jaehyun finds they tend to be troublesome. Others sit at tables, bored or tired. The ones who are resting at parties like this often appear patient, waiting for someone to try to impress them. Jaehyun has seen the ways Sangyeon approach people like them with a compliment and a smile and a conversation which pricks at the vanity of the person he has chosen. 

So many people want to be recognised and Sangyeon is good at taking notice of that. Once, Sangyeon picked Jaehyun up that way, layering on the praise and finding something Jaehyun is proud of before challenging him to prove he might be worth an hour of the night. Jaehyun likes to think that whatever he did to prove himself was the reason that Sangyeon gave him every hour of the night, not just the tangled bindings of their history which means they never venture too far. 

Jaehyun can admit he is far simpler than Sangyeon in that regard. He doesn't bother with the analyses which have people begging for company. However Jaehyun doesn't think he will be buying anybody at this party a drink. 

His eyes settle too heavily on a couple who have decided to find each other for the night, perhaps part of a game, certainly something they have been building towards. He and Sooyoung should leave. 

"Do you know anyone who will have good music at their after party?" Jaehyun asks. As he leans close enough for Sooyoung to hear, he realises he is too late. Sooyoung has already noticed the way Jinsol is wound around Haseul, relaxed as though she belongs there — and she certainly looks as though she does. 

The glassy shine of Sooyoung's eyes doesn't fade as she tries to blink it away. She can't hide her disappointment. She isn't even trying, arms trembling with tension. 

"Do you just want to go home?" Jaehyun suggests. "We were only paid to be here for a few hours. We're technically doing overtime."

Sooyoung nods slowly. "We both have work tomorrow. We should get an early night."

They go home and eat leftovers and they absolutely don't talk about the party. 

* * *

Countless award shows and shoots and interviews and cameos on TV carry Jaehyun through months and months. Sooyoung has left and come back and left again, Vivi left and has only bumped into Jaehyun by chance, and these days Jinsol is one of the other models starring in a music video with him. 

The calltime was four am so they could begin shooting in the early dawn light and the production crew having to set up to shoot in the small flat and the scenes in the nightclub before nightfall. 

"Where are you after this?" Jaehyun yawns. The hair stylist clucks and tugs at Jaehyun's ear before coming at him with the tail of a fine-toothed comb to adjust the pins and clips in his hair. 

"L.A.," Jinsol says, "And then I think I have a shoot in Guam to promote a festival."

"Your life sounds so exciting," Jaehyun sighs. Jinsol laughs and glances at her phone before sagging across the makeup counter. 

"I am grateful for the work, but I am going to look like such a mess. This shoot is going to last into the night and I have a flight to catch first thing in the morning." 

"That's tight," Jaehyun notes, "You'll probably make your flight." 

"Thanks for that confidence," Jinsol laughs. "It won't be the first flight I have missed. I don't even know what the L.A. job is for. It is all very mysterious."

The hairstylist and Jaehyun lock eyes, apparently thinking the same thing. Carefully, Jaehyun asks, "Is your accommodation being sorted out by the client? Your manager knows everything about the project, right?" 

Jinsol leans up and turns sharp eyes on Jaehyun. "Are you worried about me?" 

"Should I not worry? Please just tell me that you're only being secretive because you think I am nosy otherwise I will still be worried."

Jinsol rolls her eyes. "Stop worrying."

Jaehyun decides to keep worrying. He doesn't trust Jinsol's judgement on this. 

* * *

The glee in Vivi's eyes when she finds Jaehyun at a launch party in Milan for a jewellery collection is more than half of the reason Jaehyun decides to follow her out somewhere quieter. The season is getting colder and the chill outside seeps through Jaehyun's skin too quickly. The same is true for Vivi as she levels her cocktail at him, teeth chattering and ice clinking in her glass as she shivers. 

"Did you hear about Jinsol?" 

"No," Jaehyun replies. He had heard from her and confirmed that she had survived whatever her L.A. job was but there is clearly more to the story. "Is it something bad? She didn't say anything."

"It's awful," Vivi cheers, quietly thanking Jaehyun when he slides his jacket around her shoulders, careful not to catch her soft brown hair. Closer, they lean their heads together. Vivi says, "Someone pretended they wanted her for work but it was an elaborate marriage proposal."

"Marriage? Who?" 

Vivi shrugs, apparently not interested in these details. "Some billionaire guy. She should have at least got some presents out of the guy. I don't think they ever met before the proposal."

"Why would she have said yes?" 

"I think I would have," Vivi allows as she sips her drink. "I would have negotiated the prenup down to three months and taken every penny I could."

Jaehyun laughs but he mostly hopes nobody strange tries proposing to Vivi. 

* * *

Jaehyun tries to watch Sangyeon’s latest drama. Most people wouldn't refer to it as Sangyeon’s drama seeing as he is a background character but there is no other appeal to Jaehyun. The storyline in this drama is tired, frustrating at times, and Jaehyun has taken to putting it on at 1.5× speed whilst he gets ready for bed every evening. 

Maybe Cre.ker really does have something against Sangyeon. The roles he ends up with are painful to watch. Goofy ex-boyfriends, friends of the male lead, an older friend from church, a sibling who only appears when the writers remember. Before moving to Paris, Jaehyun used to be able to complain about the roles and the lazy writing to Sangyeon, messages when they weren't at the apartment at the same time, they had even watched the first drama together and scheduled time every week. These days Jaehyun has to keep his opinions to himself. 

Sangyeon isn't an actor by nature but he deserves better than the few roles he does get. There is something very genuine about his portrayal of the female lead's pathetic ex-boyfriend in this drama. Jaehyun finds himself rooting for Sangyeon’s one-dimensional character even though his scant scenes lack all the chemistry present with the scrappy female lead and her two suitors. 

It isn't fair. 

Sangyeon should hate Jaehyun seeing as this is how different their lives are. 

* * *

Jaehyun is working on his birthday. He checks his phone in the mid-afternoon to find the message from Sangyeon. It isn't anything special, just a quick 'HBD' but Sangyeon must have unblocked him just to send the text. 

The pixels don't dissolve away as Jaehyun stares at the text. The message is real, the first time Jaehyun has heard from Sangyeon for too many months. He doesn't know how to respond though. 

Nothing he can think of is good enough to say, nothing is casual enough that it would read as a thanks from one friend to another. He leaves it as he is being called back to the set. 

* * *

A series of photoshoots are arranged, scattered at sites across the countryside around the Rhine River. It is convenient for work to be arranged in a cluster like this, Jaehyun can finish several jobs and think about resting later. The issue with that is when something goes wrong at the first shoot and all the rest are at risk because of Jaehyun’s own stupidity and determination. 

Jaehyun's manager is home. Korea-home, so there isn't much point in calling them for help. His mind is still foggy, that must be why the first person he thought of was Sangyeon. 

Wrapped in blankets breathing without the aid of oxygen, Jaehyun waits to see if Im Yoona's assistant will come by again. He is lucid enough that he thinks he could properly apologise for the inconvenience but exhaustion is dragging at the edges of his consciousness and making that possibility less likely. 

There is a note beside Jaehyun's hospital bed, a note scrawled in carefully rounded letters thanking him for working hard and requesting a direct message if there is any trouble. Jaehyun can't message the number on the note. He can't bother someone like Im Yoona after the hassle he already caused at the shoot. 

For all the commotion caused by Jaehyun's jittering and slurring and inability to focus on even pretending not to shiver, he thinks the videos and stills taken must have been good. He had wanted to impress a client like her from the outset, driven by seeing her face fall into the charming smile which had won hearts the world over. It was all worth it for Yoona to have good options for her fragrance campaign.

Right now Yoona might even be on a flight to Incheon, on her way to see her family like she and her assistant Johnny had been discussing earlier that day. 

Jaehyun hasn't been home for Chuseok for far too long. He misses the noise of his family, the stuffiness of cooking that lasts all day, playing games with older relatives who gave him money for no reason at all and then tried to bribe him to buy them cigarettes. He hasn't cleaned up a grave or visited a crematorium for longer than he is proud of. This life he is living now keeps him away from home just as he supposes he would have been after debuting in The Boyz, but this must be worse somehow. There is no glory when he feels this selfish. 

He tries his hardest for money, for his reputation, to please clients he might not have even met before, but the same can't be said for his efforts towards the people he has always said matter. He misses his family, his old friends, the kids (the human ones who talk back to him and ask him to buy them things because they know his wallet will always open for them), and he misses the members he almost debuted with, and he misses old friends from home, and he misses—

"You're here." 

Sangyeon looks good, softly rumpled like he might have been trying to nap at some point before arriving. He shouldn't be here. The Jaehyun who asked for him was laden with delirium, though the Jaehyun who is very awake now hasn't been this happy to see someone in a long while. 

Sangyeon scoffs as he laughs off Jaehyun's surprise. He makes himself comfortable on the couch and almost seems disappointed as he scrolls through his phone that Jaehyun is only suffering from hypothermia. It must not be anything serious to warrant a visit. 

For some reason Sangyeon doesn't ask how Jaehyun knew he was so close that coming to Strausbourg would be an. The response Jaehyun has prepared for the question is stupid anyway, so it is better that Sangyeon doesn't ask, but the fact that the question isn't raised makes him feel apprehensive. That is, until Sangyeon is just like he always is, over-simplifying the things which aren't nipping at his own heels. 

Every promise Jaehyun makes turns into a lie these days. He wants to be a better friend, a better son, a better… whatever he might be considered by someone like Sangyeon… 

They could argue right here. It certainly seems that Sangyeon’s stubbornness is designed precisely for that end until he shrugs it all off as killing time until Jaehyun gets discharged. They could argue, especially when Jaehyun finds his own turn to be stubborn with claims that he is fine. 

Because Sangyeon is Sangyeon, he won't believe Jaehyun's words in quite the same way others do. 

“Stop lying to yourself. I’m booking us a hotel. You can drive back there in the morning." This plan sounds so straightforward coming from Sangyeon’s mouth. If this could be that easy, perhaps everything could be. Jaehyun can stop lying to himself, and to everyone. If it is so easy he can tell the truth. 

Impressed with himself, Sangyeon leans forward on the couch and prompts, "You’re welcome, by the way.”

Maybe it is that easy. 

“Thank you, Sangyeon.”

* * *

In Seoul, Jaehyun asks Sooyoung what she thinks about Jinsol's proposal. 

"Does it matter?" She bites as the stylist assistant sews her into her dress. 

"Are you alright?" Jaehyun asks, not sure where the viciousness in her voice is coming from. She breathes deeply, winces at the tightness of the dress around her ribs and shakes her head. 

"I'm fine. I just don't want to talk about stupid things." 

"Okay," Jaehyun says uncertainly. "I was just mentioning it because it didn't seem safe to me. Did she tell you anything—" 

"I said I don't want to talk about it," Sooyoung snaps. Right then, Jaehyun thinks he gets it.

For a while he hasn't been able to stop thinking about something Sangyeon said to him. Sooyoung must not have any reason to heed the words which echo around Jaehyun's head. He wonders whether she will ever feel content to be truly honest. 

At least Jaehyun is going to stop lying to himself. 

* * *

Jaehyun is an honest man. He is honest so he can admit that his hands are trembling as Sangyeon pulls away from him. This is their typical routine. Their ebb and flow is as routine as the phases of the moon, inevitable and a clear marker of when their seasons together and apart commence and die. 

Though Jaehyun is an honest man, this particular line of honesty isn't as routine as everything else they have been through. It takes Jaehyun a while, over four years after their first kiss, three years after they were kicked out of reach of their dreams. It takes all this time but Jaehyun stops lying to himself.

Sangyeon sits at the edge of the bed, pausing before going anywhere. This is the time to say it. If he doesn't say it now he isn't sure Sangyeon will ever listen to him. 

"I love you." 

“You don’t love me. And that’s okay, "Sangyeon says like he thinks he is being kind. "Let’s stop pretending to still love each other.”

Sangyeon is awful. Even now he is choosing words that he knows hurt. He knows everything. Even though he tells Jaehyun the things he knows he wants to hear, at a time like this, he is saying something because he knows it hurts. He's hurting himself too. Jaehyun knows he isn't imagining it. 

His own hands are shaking, he knows his own fear, but Sangyeon can't meet his eyes. 

“I’m not a liar like you, Sangyeon. I love you. Whether you believe me or not," Jaehyun says. He sits up, reaches closer, feels the tremor in his extended arm even as he curls his traitorous hand into a fist. Maybe he hasn't said it before, or maybe he hadn't realised just how much he means it. His voice sounds weak and pitiful to his own ears and he can't imagine how pathetic he must look to Sangyeon. But they have seen each other at their worst by now, Sangyeon must be able to see how true Jaehyun's words are. "I love you, I love you, I love you. Please don’t leave me.” 

“It’s okay, don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere," Sangyeon says, soothing as he holds Jaehyun against his chest. 

Jaehyun wants to believe Sangyeon — that he really won't go anywhere, that he might be able to admit that his own love is as vast and terrifying as this — so he does. He sinks into Sangyeon’s embrace, holds him as tightly as he possibly can, and he believes. 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry i had other plans for this fic but they just never worked and this sort of felt like a sign to write something i have always wanted to... hopefully it fits with the random mode prompt TT
> 
> hi!!! if you ever want to talk i am on [curious cat](https://curiouscat.qa/126916912_) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/126916912_)!!!


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